Me and My Family
I wasn’t to know that at the age of 24 I would use exercise and food to try and control my out-of-control life. I fell into the trap of thinking, “If I become skinny, I will feel better, I will be happy and I will feel good enough.”
It always comes back to “I want to feel good enough.”
Let’s look at the words ‘better,’ ‘best’ and ‘successful.’
They are ‘nothing’ words to me.
They don’t bring me any visual imagery and offer nothing for me to feel. They make me think of striving for something but I don’t know exactly what I’m striving for or at what point I will become better, best or successful.
They are unobtainable, and in all honesty, that scares me.
These words push you towards metaphorical golden gates but in fact, you don’t know where the gates are, how far away they are, and if they even exist. No wonder the push to use these words at an early age leads to anxiety-ridden, critical voices in later years.
Maybe to some, those words bring a bright beam of hope. But at what point can we stop, appreciate and feel that sense of achievement and say, “This is enough,” ”I am happy I got this far,” “I accept myself” and “I am my own success.”
Or simply, “I’m OK.”
Depression Makes Critical Voices Louder
It took years of professional therapy to work through the web of thoughts in my mind and quiet my critical voice. It is still there and it drowns my thoughts when I hit an episode of depression.
Sometimes I need to tell people I need to go to lie down because everything is too much. I could be in a quiet room at the time, but it’s my head and my thoughts are beating inside my brain, overriding everything from listening, talking to even watching TV.
They bully, beat me up and kick me while I’m down. Everything I’ve ever enjoyed becomes obsolete and socializing becomes nearly impossible.
I am nothing, I am not worth living, I am an absolute failure and there is nothing I can do about it.