Finding Ways to Cope
Spontaneity has become a thing of the past, but I’ve found that with sufficient planning I’m able to better cope with the stresses and triggers that set my anxiety off. For a recent evening at the theatre with my in-laws, I planned and prepared my outfit a week ahead, allowed myself about twice the usual amount of time to get ready on the day, and picked up a healthy salad for dinner that I could eat while getting ready. By doing this, I made sure I wouldn’t feel rushed and would encounter no last-minute surprises (not having the right pantyhose, for example) that might ruin my night. It was still stressful, but not nearly as much as it would have been if I hadn’t been so well prepared.
In my own home, I can be much more comfortable and relaxed. I do stress ahead of time about the cleanliness of my house, to a different degree depending on who’s visiting (again, that scrutiny), but here I make jokes that we’re in American-annexed territory and should all speak English. I have my comfy couch to curl up on, don’t have to worry about appearing rude by refusing a cookie or snack that contains ingredients I’m sensitive to, and can retreat to the kitchen or my bedroom if I absolutely need to for a break and a chance to catch my breath.
I also feel a lot more comfortable out of the house in certain situations - going to a craft group where I know I’ll see a bunch of my English-speaking friends, for example, isn’t too scary. I still have to overcome the hurdle of getting out the door, but once I manage that I’m with like-minded people in a familiar environment where I feel no pressure to comply with linguistic or cultural standards that simply don’t come naturally to me.
The Long Term
Preparedness can certainly help me to cope with the symptoms of my anxiety, but a long-term solution is what I’m ultimately looking for. Right now my psychiatrist and I are trying to find a medication that works for me without too many side effects (the last one left me unable to stay awake during the day and didn’t really alleviate my anxiety, either).
Cognitive behavioral therapy can be helpful as well with social anxiety, and is definitely something we’ll look into down the road. Rewiring that switch that tells me to feel self-conscious and afraid will go a long way toward me feeling comfortable around people again. But for now, I still have plenty of behavioral changes to make and would really like to feel like my old self again as soon as humanly possible, even if it’s just a chemical reaction.
Few people are close enough to me now to see that bubbly, outgoing side of myself that I discovered in college. She was great - fun and spontaneous, she had a great sense of humor and never cared what anyone thought of her. She used to make conversation with everyone, be it her neighbors, friends, or the checkout clerk at the grocery store. She’s been away for a long time now, but I feel pretty confident that she’ll come back, and that quiet, introverted, and sometimes sullen person that took her place will be gone for good.
