Consider My Story
I have a diagnosis of bipolar and yes, unfortunately, I have been violent.
I’ve always had a hot temper but the majority of time it has been manageable. In my early 20s I battled depression, and the contraceptive pill gave me terrible mood swings. I struggled to control my frustration one day and I hit my boyfriend. I was devastated.
When I was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 26 the only person at risk of violence was myself. I would never, ever want to harm someone so when the agitation and fear peaked or I was in the depth of distress and hit rock bottom I would self-harm.
However, one day I was in the middle of a mixed manic episode. I was impulsive, agitated, irritable, withdrawn and terrified of everything. I had reported my symptoms as an inpatient in a general hospital but no one would listen to me and no one would refer me to a psychiatrist. My diagnosis was known to them, yet they kept labelling me "anxious." I was therefore not receiving adequate treatment.
I had been to the pub with my dad and drank half a bottle of wine. I was impulsively drinking after being abstinent for months, desperate to dampen my manic symptoms. My dad had also been drinking and he made a very upsetting comment, to which I responded with verbal abuse before running home crying.
I couldn’t cope with my feelings and perceived everything to be a trigger. I rang a helpline extremely distressed. I continued to drink and called my dad to tell him how upset I was. He didn’t answer the phone. I waited up for hours to speak to him. It was some time before I realized he had snuck in and was asleep in bed.
I went and asked him why he’d said such an awful thing and he shouted obscenities at me. I lost my temper and I hit him. As a result my mum threatened to call the police, and I actually told her she should. I was terrified for myself; I felt out of control and I desperately wanted to feel safe.
It was difficult the next day. I felt as though everyone was blaming my illness and thinking things like, "She’s lost it." I knew I was in the wrong and I knew I was in the worst state of agitated, irritable mania possible, but I still felt gutted at the comment that triggered it all. I was confused about what was a relatively normal reaction to the situation and what was the result of my illness.
Was This a Symptom of My Bipolar?
So let’s review the situation: I had been violent before with no diagnosis. On this occasion I did have my diagnosis of bipolar and had reported mixed state symptoms, but had been ignored and no treatment was given.
I had symptoms of agitation, irritability and I was self-harming. I was distressed, terrified and highly anxious. I was using alcohol to cope and had been drinking, as had my dad. There was a trigger, which I believe anyone — with or without a mental health diagnosis — would have been upset and aggravated by, though this of course does not excuse violence.
I believe my risk of violence was increased due the professionals I went to not listening to my concerns, as well as the use of alcohol — but I think it is impossible to say I was violent as a symptom of my bipolar.
Afterwards I asked myself this: “If I didn’t have bipolar and I heard that comment said to me, would I lose my temper in some way?” Unfortunately, my automatic response was “yes.” There were many variables to consider.
Can any of us say guarantee that we are at no risk of losing our temper? Can't most of us relate to a time where we just couldn’t handle a situation and reacted out of character?
