My Story
Entering a Mixed State
I developed symptoms for a mixed episode unexpectedly, and as a result I lost insight. I couldn’t prepare myself or ask for help because I was too far gone too quick.
It started with an uncomfortable feeling in my body where I felt boxed in and desperate to move — it didn’t feel good. I was agitated and it made me desperate for help, but I couldn’t reach out to anyone.
My irritability increased; it became impossible to communicate with people without misunderstanding them. Everyone and everything was a trigger and I internally begged for relief.
Things got worse as bipolar sound sensitivity or bright light triggered a feeling that made me think I was going to lose control. I didn’t want to be violent, but I felt like the Incredible Hulk, desperate to rip my skin off and release the pent up anger, irritability and energy.
Destructive Behavior
One of the most destructive symptoms was the impulsiveness. I suddenly wanted to drink alcohol after not caring about drinking for a long time.
I didn’t want to raise alarm to anyone so I started going to the local shop and drinking in the churchyard on the way back home. I don’t know whether subconsciously I was trying to subdue my manic symptoms, or whether my drinking was just a product of my impulsiveness. Regardless, I felt concerned for myself and knew it was out of character.
As the agitation increased, so did my need to self-harm. It was my only release when I was distressed. I knew it was serious, but I couldn’t tell anyone.
I didn’t have the capacity to take on any advice and the mere thought of explaining my symptoms to another was overwhelming. I was too busy fighting my thoughts telling me I was nothing and it was my time to die.
The combination of impulsive drinking and irritability spiraled one night into an act of violence where I tried to attack my dad. I had never been violent before, but an insensitive comment upset me and his lack of understanding towards me taking offense triggered a burst of anger. My family was disappointed in me and the guilt sent me deeper into my world of isolation.
Intervention
The lack of hope overwhelmed me until there was none left. I told everyone around me I was trying to pull on any emotive thought to try to save me. I thought of my little niece, who is my world, but nothing reached me.
My uncle spoke to me on the phone one night and drove hours to visit me the next day. He said he had never heard me so cold and monotonous. I can remember that phone call and I remember telling him if anyone called me selfish for wanting to die, they were selfish themselves.
I believed that anyone asking me to fight this life was asking the impossible. I am not a religious person, but I questioned how any god could put a person in so much beastly turmoil and expect them to live through it.
