Fliss’s Experience With Bipolar Brain Fog
Indecision
Decision-making itself has played a big part of my illness over the last nine years. If I am asked a direct question I often find myself with an empty brain where I can think of both options but have no idea which to choose.
This has been very frustrating for me in relationships because I have been pushed to answer, which has stressed my brain. I often find myself hoping the other person will choose for me so the pressure is taken away.
ECT and Memory Loss
One of the worst memory loss experiences I had was when I was given ECT for bipolar (electro convulsive therapy) back in 2012. One of the two electrodes was removed from my head because my memory loss side effect was too significant.
I would come around from the anesthetic and have no idea where I was. I didn’t recognize members of the staff, patients and hospital corridors. It was like being a little child in a playground in completely alien surroundings.
The memory loss was supposed to be short term but I suffered for some time after. I even stopped driving because I couldn’t remember the way to places I had known since a child. I was so worried about driving the wrong way I developed terrible anxiety, which I needed help with.
Organization
I have to rely heavily on my family to help me with my life organization. I have a diary — but guess what? If I forget to look in it, I don’t do what is scheduled.
I open letters but if I put that letter down without making note of anything it’s as though it disappears from my mind. I have missed hospital appointments, deadlines and fixed the wrong dates and times in my head.
I have learned one thing: I can’t rely on my brain to help me out. It really is amazing how I don’t get the signal to remind me of certain things.
I now have to put plans into my phone with an alarm reminder set and give important letters to my mum, who will remind me about upcoming appointments.
I have been ridiculed in the past about my memory and it has been very hurtful. An ex-boyfriend said he had to repeat himself over certain things and that I didn’t listen.
It used to panic me because I felt mad. Was I forgetting? Did he really say that?
It’s interesting because I retain a lot of information and can remember some birthdays or events, but there is so much my brain just doesn’t process. Maybe it’s the stuff I am less interested in or dates and appointments that feel more administrative and don’t hold significant meaning?
The truth is I don’t know why I can’t think, process, decide or remember at times, but I know I need to stop putting pressure on myself because in my eyes there is only one answer. I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, it’s proven to impact cognitive ability and I shouldn’t be apologizing for it.
How Can We Help Our Memory Loss?
- Research has shown that lithium increases gray matter in the brain, which can improve cognitive function.
- We can interrupt the memory loss cycle by reducing our stress.
- We can plan ahead using lists, diaries and taking the time out to concentrate on things — rushing last minute doesn’t help.
- We can break down tasks into little steps instead of being faced with big tasks and finding it impossible to cope.
- Talk to others about your struggles and explain that your memory can be affected and you need understanding and patience.
Instead of fighting our memory loss, we need to accept that it is part of our illness and something we need to manage. I still find it incredibly hard to do this because it can feel embarrassing, especially when my struggles are obvious in front of people.
However, I have a good support network that has listened and understood my needs. We can’t help it — we can only do the best we can with the illness we have.
