Anxious and Afraid
It’s like suddenly feeling pulled into a hole where you become in complete tune with your body and aware of your surroundings. You’re in a zone. You’re heart feels like it is pumping out of your chest and a heat rises up your neck and into your face. People are talking but you can no longer process everything they are saying, sounds become too loud and shouting is too much. Bright lights make you squint and sudden movement can make you jump or shout. Spatial awareness can be affected and as people lean in you quickly retreat, curling up to hide until your intense sensitivity has calmed.
I have often been fearful of myself in these situations, recognizing quickly that anything around me can be a trigger. I have shouted for silence and for people to stay away, which to the onlooker appears over-dramatic and exaggerated. In my recent hospital admission I was distressed and nurses bustled in, touching my arm without warning and not listening to my need for peace. I covered my ears sensing danger all around me. Logically, it was simple to me. My body was in a highly sensitive, anxious state and attempting to protect itself. Misunderstanding and unhelpful responses only exacerbated my symptoms.
Sensitive and Manic
I have sat on a bench as an inpatient of a psychiatric hospital engrossed in drawing with colourful pencils, crying, overcome with emotion at the music flooding my ears through my headphones. The sun had never felt so hot and the beauty of nature was overwhelming. Everything felt so wonderful and meaningful with complete clarity. I used to look down at the grass and see the tiny lines down each shard and their rich, green color. It was as though I was seeing life in its truly magical form.
Going shopping was overwhelming. We often see our environment as a whole with our brain focused on what we intend to do. In mania, our body brings us into the immediate, taking in every detail. I had bipolar noise sensitivity, was sensitive to every sign and its meaning, each aisle, every product, colors, labels, floor tiles, and lighting.
I would often stand on the spot, completely oblivious to my intentions and be drawn to anything that caught my eye. My eyes would fixate and my pupils dilate, processing all the information in front of me. It was uncontrollable and a completely different sensitivity to anxiety and fear. However, it could tip over to where my brain said ‘stop’. If my brain could no longer respond to the stimuli, my body recoiled and the instinct to protect would take over once more.
