It Will Get Better
Despite the positive traits I’ve learned to see in myself, bipolar disorder is still a painful and volatile illness. There are awful days and there are great ones. There are miserable months (and sometimes years), and there are summers full of life and love and joy; I’m pretty honest about where I’ve been up to now. My life won’t ever compare to the picture-perfect existence I’d imagined for myself as a kid, and there is no handbook for building a happy and fulfilling life around (and in spite of) mental illness. I’m writing my own manual as I go along.
I’ve learned that, no matter how deep the despair, the good will follow the bad. Episodes will come along and knock you down - but being episodic in nature, will eventually leave. The proverbial sun will shine again.
I used to dread the next episode. When would it come? How long would it last? Would I have to go to the hospital this time? Nearly every waking hour was occupied with these fears, and all they seemed to do was make the symptoms worse. Eventually I figured out that with a little practice and the right balance of medications, I now have a lot more say over when the sun rises.
I’ve learned to stop an oncoming mania in its tracks. I can also force myself to keep moving, keep fighting, and pull myself out of a depressive episode when one comes along. It doesn’t always work perfectly, but I’m getting better at it every time. I’m not a slave to my illness anymore – I’m its master. I no longer fear the next episode. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t like them, I’ve just learned to better control them, and with more control comes more peace and acceptance.
I Am Not a Victim
I am in charge of this illness. As the saying goes, I have bipolar disorder, but bipolar disorder doesn’t have me. I’ve had to overcome a fair amount of stigma (much of it self-inflicted), not to mention the physical and emotional hurdles of my illness, to get to where I am today.
I won’t ever have the kind of life you see in movies and on TV, and that’s ok. I don’t think anyone has that. Even the “normal” people in my life have their share of problems. Everyone does. What I do have is pretty good, and I like my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
